Self-Care in 2020

I was reflecting on the wall I hit Saturday night. I didn't mention this in my last post but after the boys had me up for hours from midnight to 2 a.m. and we finally all got settled and into a good deep sleep there was an unearthly shattering sound at 4a.m. and this is the scene that greeted us...

The giant mirror in the kids' bathroom came off the wall and shattered everywhere. I could draw a lot of parallels to this mirror situations. The fact that the builders didn't secure the mirror to the wall with screws and clips, they just slapped some heavy duty glue up there and called it good. We could draw that out to how that's a lot like Parenthood. If we don't have some things that we do that bolt us and secure us we're going to end up like that mirror.

I wouldn't have said that "Mom Guilt" is something that I have struggled with often. Yesterday writing everything out, it was kind of eye opening how much of that burden I have been carrying lately. I think some of it is due to Hubby's work schedule and stress levels. He doesn't have any extra anything to give and so any time I take from the kids is 95% of the time them just fending for themselves. So sitting alone = guilt. Grocery shopping alone= guilt. Grabbing an extra hour of sleep after a horrible night with the boys= guilt. I've been the primary parent for months and the kids have been getting the short end of the stick. Hubs sees this, he's well aware and struggling with his own guilt.  We can't change the work schedule right now, it is what it is (that's pretty much the phrase of 2020) but it doesn't change the fact that I feel this sense of deep exhaustion tinged with guilt any time I try to catch a break.

But that's not working for me. I need to have something to secure me and keep me strong and in place.

So what do I do?

One thing I need to do is drop the guilt. It's not serving me. 

I went out on the porch for a bit this morning and I stopped the "shoulds" and sat out there and enjoyed myself. I browsed social media and drank my coffee in peace.

Yesterday I ran errands and while that's not exactly recharging (I hate Walmart) I did grab some stuff for my plant babies and they're much happier now.

I think the thing that I really need to do is compartmentalize and be intentional. Yes, I am taking time for myself right now. Yes the littlest does not like being locked away from me or having me leave him but it's just for a little while, he'll be okay. 

This hour I am working on school with the kids and then I'm going to go rest by myself for a little while. For an hour I am going to work on chores and then I'm going to do something fun with the kids, after that I am going to sit and knit and watch a show for 30 minutes. I need to be more intentional about the time I take for myself and not feeling bad about it. 

Today I am going to...

•  Go through the kids school books and get their schedules written for the week. 
• Get Joy2's math pages printed and organized
• Call the dryer repairman and ask him what my options are for our broken dryer (oh yeah on top of the bad sleep and shattered mirror the dryer broke this weekend!)
•  Wash a few loads and dry them outside (yay for a working washing machine!)

 

Finding the Balance Between Self-Care and Self-Improvement

The 5 year old has been struggling this year with sleep, especially since the Lockdowns started in March. He's a really sensitive guy and he's the perfect little barometer for the atmosphere and stress levels in our home. When we are stressed his sleep goes out the window and he wakes up anxious at night. Between the instability, our private worries about food and money in those early weeks of Lockdown. The work of preparing our house to sell, the insanity of selling our home and moving our family of seven 1,000+ miles, the weeks of getting settled and hunting for land, finding a house to put on the land. Mixed into the midst of that the insane hours Hubby has been working, adjusting to a whole new place, trying to homeschool and function. His sleep issues are expected I suppose. 

Friday night he had me up for hours because he was anxious. I was so patient, I rubbed his head and prayed for him and we muddled through the night. Usually when he has a bad night the next night was better but to my bitter surprise this was not the case and the disappointment and sleep deprivation triggered me. I got angry. I'm right there with him! He sleeps with his head shoved into my all night every night. I have my hand on his body! I can't do any thing more and I WANT SLEEEEEP!!!!!! 

He woke me up again when I was in deep in my first hour of amazing restorative sleep and my sleep deprived brain snapped. I was mean, I threw a hissy fit on the bed  pounding my fists and yelling, I kicked him out of the room and told him to go sleep somewhere else, I didn't care where. Not proud of myself at all. Daddy got him settled and I've made things right but it was eye opening to the level of burn out I am experiencing. 

I laid in bed seething and then feeling deep remorse and guilt for being such a shrew to my sweet and anxious little boy. I started reflecting and berating myself (so helpful) for being so burnt out. I mean I take time for myself! I go grocery shopping once a week! 

And I feel guilty for going alone, going on a weekday (because the stores are less crazy) while Hubby is trying to work. I feel guilty for taking so long when he's juggling the kids.

I workout every day! I take at least 30 minutes for myself every single day to stretch and twist my spine and push my lymphatic system.

I take time to have some Bible time almost every day. I sit out on the front stoop or in my rocking chair in the quiet bedroom for at least 30 minutes and do my daily reading and write and reflect. I mean the kids interrupt me every 5 minutes or so to ask a question or tell me some small person needs their bum wiped or because some one is howling...But I carve out that time!

I was laying there last night ticking all those things off and I was reminded of the book The Introverted Mom by Jamie C. Martin and her profound point that there is a difference between self-care and self-improvement. 

Self-care is doing things that truly recharge you and fill you up. Self-improvement is great and it can make you feel like you're accomplishing things but it is NOT self-care. And when any self-care that you access is constantly intrupted? No bueno. 

 Adding to that, if you're flooding any semblance of self-care with guilt...or feeling guilty meeting basic needs of your family in a way that keeps you sane? So unhelpful! And Exercise is self-improvement. It does make me feel better and is partially self-care but it's not fun, it's not like, "Yes this just filled my tank!!" It definitely falls under, "I did this so my body won't fall apart from stress and I won't slip into depression, go me!" It make me feel physically good afterwards but at it's base: it is self-improvement.

 So where does that leave me? How the heck do I do self-care? In the past self-care was going to Hobby Lobby and wandering around thinking about crafts I'd like to do. It was going to the park and wandering alone for a few hours. 

 But in our old state there was a mask mandate and walking through the masked masses depresses me beyond anything. Add to it that wearing a mask means that I end up with an awful pounding headache after wearing a mask for more than a few minutes. And we don't live near any of the small parks I felt safe wandering alone, all the parks here are trail heads that are very secluded. I miss my old places. So mix in a pile of grief and homesickness to my old self-care habits.  

So how can I do this? How do I recharge during this stressful season? 

I haven't come up with any answers but I'm going to reflect on it today. I'm going to go out alone and buy a pedestal fan to blow on me at night because part of my meltdown last night was also triggered by being physically incredibly uncomfortable. I woke up soaked in sweat because the central air to our bedroom is horrific when the bedroom door is close...but Hubby stays up lat into the night and we have to keep the door closed because he needs the lights.

More tomorrow...I need to go make muffins for the kids, they're hungry again.