What DO I Do Well?

 

I'm trying to figure out what we're doing this school year. I've been reflecting on what has worked and what hasn't and feeling overwhelmed. I only have 5 more years of schooling Joy1, the reality that we're staring high school is really hitting me hard. 

I'm not a teacher. It's not a strength of mine to be honest and I'm looking at the fruit of homeschooling so far and on paper, well I'm just not sure. 

On paper my kids are all over the place, way ahead in some areas and way behind in others. That's normal for homeschooled kids but it's hard not to start comparing or feeling like a failure because I certainly do not have college level middle schoolers. I've never stuck to a curriculum perfectly. I hate making them do things that feel arbitrary but are the "right" thing. I waffle and worry. I kept having babies which threw a wrench in everything for a full year afterwards. I can be very consistent for myself and personal habits but when it means motivating others to do the same I'm at a loss. I don't know how to set us up for success or how to have a consistent school day or schedule...Things always seem to derail everything.  

When I set out to homeschool I wanted to offer my kids a real childhood. I didn't want them being trained to be good little students who could ace a test and get gold stars. I didn't want them gone 40+ hours a week and spending their entire growing up years away from our family. I didn't want their days full and rushed, I didn't want them to be in a constant state of stress and compression.

 I wanted them to be able to play, to curl up with books and get lost for hours at a time. I wanted them to be playing outdoors for hours on end with friends, getting muddy in the creek, playing in the snow and rain. I wanted to take nature walks with them and enjoy the gifts to be found in each season. I wanted them to find what they love and dig in and learn all about it. I wanted them to make mud pies, learn to garden and cook. I wanted them to be free. 

And looking back over the last 9 years I think we have done so much of that. I haven't ever stuck to a schedule. I haven't checked off every box I planned to scratch. But I know that freedom and time is what I've given them and I feel so blessed that we've been able to do that. They do know how to learn and figure out stuff on their own and how to find help when they're stuck.  They know how to read, they love stories and books and learning. 

I was talking with a friend in PA during our visit and she was saying essentially how she was going to try to relax this school year, to let go of the book stuff and focus on relationships.  What she shared was really resonating with me. The idea of building a daily rhythm to ground our days is so very appealing. It's what has worked best for us in the past, between babies when I actually had the brain space and enough sleep to get it together. But I'm really worried about the book stuff. I feel like such a failure that my kids still struggle with basic multiplication and division. That they won't memorize anything (except random pages of Frances books and random passages of books that have nothing classical or meaningful about them) and I have never been able to get them to see why it's important. I had visions of my kids knowing bunches of Bible verses, Awana award winner types, spouting poetry, knowing all the presidents and tons of history facts. Classical Conversation Elite all the way. I want to look successful and don't want to be a cautionary tale of those horrible neglectful homeschoolers. Most of all want my kids to be prepared for the real world...I want my kids able to do what they want to do in life. I want them to be able to find the answers. I don't want them feeling frustrated that I didn't offer them opportunities to learn the things they'll need to be successful. 



But I don't think focusing on drilling concepts, trying to cover gaps in learning and focusing on where we lack is going to do it. It can't be the focus. 

Our amazing School Room

So what do I do well? What does the focus need to be? How do I build more connection and help them learn and discover?  No curriculum is going to do it. We've tried them all with varying success. I feel like it's often such a waste because I'm not a teacher and they're not great students. They see arbitrary things as the busy work that it is, they see the waste of time. They see the reality that it's so that I can feel I taught something and checked something off an arbitrary set of checkpoints. Most of them do not grasp concepts by doing worksheets and crosswords about them. They are all mostly kinetic learners, they learn best from doing real things and through creativity. They learn best when their imagination is involved. They learn best when they are asked to solve real life problems. 



So what DO I do well? I love a good story. I love finding resources that make history come alive. I love nature and feel that most of understanding of science that you could ever need can be learned through appreciating and slowing down and being curious when out in nature. I am good, when I slow down and let go of the To Do list, at helping them find the answers they are seeking. What is lightning? Why do trees have bark? What kind of sap is edible? How does rain work? What about rainbows? 



I am also realizing I've struggled so much the last few years because 1) I've had infant/toddlers and that's brutal for me energy-wise. 2) My older kids have moved out of the curiosity stage.  The under 8 crowd wants to know everything about everything and they have no qualms about asking a billion questions a week. I love that! My older kids don't really get curious about things that require a library trip to find books about wolves or volcanoes. We have covered those things. They are more into 3D modeling and drawing and things that require youtube and hours of practicing a new skill on their own. 

The shift into this new stage of life has been really difficult for me. I find it harder to connect. I can't just curl up and read with them or try a hands on project from scraps I dig up from the junk drawer and pantry. I did do those things for them. But now we're in a new season. Their Dad is stronger at the technical stuff and he's the one slogging through helping them problem solve and find resources to do what they want to do.  Also having such a wide range of ages has been a real challenge, I think we're getting to the age where I can do read aloud times with out the younger ones making it an absolutely miserable experience within 10 minutes. 

So my answer to what I can do well: I enjoy things with them. Nature walks. Looking things up. Reading out loud. Crafty projects. I don't enjoy baking but I can teach them how to cook and bake. 

So how do I transition in all of this? How do I grow with my kids and this new season of life? How do I move forward this school year? What do I want our week to look like?

Questions for another post...

Self-Care in 2020

I was reflecting on the wall I hit Saturday night. I didn't mention this in my last post but after the boys had me up for hours from midnight to 2 a.m. and we finally all got settled and into a good deep sleep there was an unearthly shattering sound at 4a.m. and this is the scene that greeted us...

The giant mirror in the kids' bathroom came off the wall and shattered everywhere. I could draw a lot of parallels to this mirror situations. The fact that the builders didn't secure the mirror to the wall with screws and clips, they just slapped some heavy duty glue up there and called it good. We could draw that out to how that's a lot like Parenthood. If we don't have some things that we do that bolt us and secure us we're going to end up like that mirror.

I wouldn't have said that "Mom Guilt" is something that I have struggled with often. Yesterday writing everything out, it was kind of eye opening how much of that burden I have been carrying lately. I think some of it is due to Hubby's work schedule and stress levels. He doesn't have any extra anything to give and so any time I take from the kids is 95% of the time them just fending for themselves. So sitting alone = guilt. Grocery shopping alone= guilt. Grabbing an extra hour of sleep after a horrible night with the boys= guilt. I've been the primary parent for months and the kids have been getting the short end of the stick. Hubs sees this, he's well aware and struggling with his own guilt.  We can't change the work schedule right now, it is what it is (that's pretty much the phrase of 2020) but it doesn't change the fact that I feel this sense of deep exhaustion tinged with guilt any time I try to catch a break.

But that's not working for me. I need to have something to secure me and keep me strong and in place.

So what do I do?

One thing I need to do is drop the guilt. It's not serving me. 

I went out on the porch for a bit this morning and I stopped the "shoulds" and sat out there and enjoyed myself. I browsed social media and drank my coffee in peace.

Yesterday I ran errands and while that's not exactly recharging (I hate Walmart) I did grab some stuff for my plant babies and they're much happier now.

I think the thing that I really need to do is compartmentalize and be intentional. Yes, I am taking time for myself right now. Yes the littlest does not like being locked away from me or having me leave him but it's just for a little while, he'll be okay. 

This hour I am working on school with the kids and then I'm going to go rest by myself for a little while. For an hour I am going to work on chores and then I'm going to do something fun with the kids, after that I am going to sit and knit and watch a show for 30 minutes. I need to be more intentional about the time I take for myself and not feeling bad about it. 

Today I am going to...

•  Go through the kids school books and get their schedules written for the week. 
• Get Joy2's math pages printed and organized
• Call the dryer repairman and ask him what my options are for our broken dryer (oh yeah on top of the bad sleep and shattered mirror the dryer broke this weekend!)
•  Wash a few loads and dry them outside (yay for a working washing machine!)

 

Big Changes Part 2...Getting Settled

 You can read Part 1 of Big Changes here I didn't go into how exactly we chose the area of Florida that we did. I don't want to give too many details about our location publicly. I will go into it a bit more in part 3.

Closing on our home was set for a month from when we went under contract. In those short weeks we packed, we did inspections and repairs and said goodbye to people and places we love so much.  It was a hard month.

Ryan and I played here as children and this has been a special place to visit

A favorite park

On July 11th we worked from morning to night packing up the truck, Ryan's Dad left with the truck that night I could go into all the little miracles and headaches of those last few days. How the reservation we made for the big 26ft truck was somehow canceled. Well no, the reservation wasn't cancelled it was still there but it didn't matter the truck we had reserved was gone. Ryan and his Dad had to drive 3 hours early Saturday morning to get a truck in the state next door. There were blessings too, our church is mostly elderly folks who couldn't help us with our move. Our old church where we were married has a moving ministry and since we're still connected through Ryan's family several people came helped us pack up our truck.

We slept on sleeping bags in our empty house that night and woke up and cleaned the house all day on the 12th, finishing up last minute projects. That evening we said goodbye to our house of many years for the last time. We made a video walking through all the rooms and saying goodbye. After all that work we were beat but we were also desperate to get this transition over for the kids. Little ones do not love seeing their house empty, the kids needed this whole thing to be done. So that evening once all the cleaning and goodbyes were complete, we packed the kids into the van and drove all night long to the rental house in Florida. The trip went so well! I mean it was really difficult, Ryan and I were beyond exhausted from all the work but we took turns driving and napping and the kids got naps as they could. The littlest one didn't love sleeping in his car seat but got a pretty decent nights rest as long as I sat next to him and held his hand (Thank the Lord we have an 8 passenger van and I could fit in the back with the kids as needed!). 

After 18 hours of driving we arrived at the rental house at nearly 3pm. Our truck and Ryan's Dad was waiting for us there! I won't go too much into the drama of our arrival....Actually I will, it was difficult. We discovered that the property management company we had so carefully chosen (highly reviewed and well established) had profoundly dropped the ball. It seems the person managing our property had been doing a crappy job and was fired. In the week before the move we knew that our point person had changed but what we hadn't realized is that the company hadn't actually made sure that our property was ready for us! The house was disgusting. The carpets hadn't been cleaned, there was water damage in an area of the house. There was damaged walls and electrical outlets weren't working, the garage door was broken. The bathrooms were atrocious and both toilets were broken!!! It was so bad. After packing a truck all day on Saturday, scrubbing and cleaning all day Sunday and driving through the night (with 5 kids!!!) all night Sunday and into the afternoon Monday: I was shattered.

We had to get settled though the kids needed us to get things as normal as quickly as possible. I ran down to the grocery store (truth be told it was a 3 trip process, thankfully we have a Winn Dixie 5 minutes away!) to grab heavy duty cleaning supplies and I spent 3 hours scrubbing the black ringed, hair crusted tubs (I am not kidding it was so very wrong, I still feel horrified and angry when I think about it) and dirty broken toilets (thankfully one was usable but you had to stick your hand deep in the tank, lovely!) and sinks. I scrubbed and hung the shower curtains. I scrubbed the hard water calcified broken kitchen sink, I did everything I could to make the best of a bad situation. The next day Ryan's brother came out to help us unpack the truck an take Ryan's Dad back to where they lived (about an hour and a half away). Ryan's Dad is very handy and he was able to get the garage door patched up enough to use until the PM company could send a repairman. I had packed for this move as carefully and thoughtfully as I could and I had the kitchen  and living room unpacked and "normal" by the end of Tuesday. Ryan's Dad had all the kids beds built and set up (Seriously, God bless that man) and their rooms were "normal" and ready for them. We were completely settled and had a usable house before his Dad left Tuesday! Miracles, so many miracles happened that weekend, it was unreal.

Moving is hard, making it feel like home as quickly as possible!

By the end of the first week I had all the boxes out of the rooms and every thing as settled as they were going to get in this transitional housing. The house is what it is, it's too small for us and it's cramped but we've mad the best of it. As frustrating as the disgusting greeting was and the damage we discovered (not as picture or shown in the zoom walk through!), I'm thankful. We plan to move out before our lease is up and we have pictures of everything that greeted us. The company still hasn't repaired some things that we've told them about, we have good leverage to break our lease early without penalty.  And that's what we plan to do because we found a new home! More on our Hunt for Home in Part 3!

Before I close I do want to say that even though some things went sideways, the overall feelings I have when I think of our move is awe and peace. There was so much peace even in the exhaustion and frustrations. The memory of our drive down here is so sweet to me, covered in a fog of exhaustion but still so sweet it was a really special trip and driving through the night made the first 14 hours FLY. The  last 4 were rough but still the kids did absolutely amazing. We have some seriously amazing people in our family (including our incredible children) and we had some seriously wonderful prayer warriors covering us on that journey. It was a good time even if it was hard. 

The Hunt for Home coming soon!

Big Changes 2020 Part 1

 It always cracks me up how badly I am at blogging. I'm not trying to cultivate a following so I'm not going to feel badly about my inconsistency. Life is busy and blogging as it is now known has become such a vapid and shallow thing the last few years. I truly don't have the skills or the desire to invest in what it requires, it's all about social media engagement and 99% of the interactions take place on Instagram. I enjoy scrolling through pretty pictures as much as the next person but at this point, I don't have the time or the energy. I just want to write.

Which brings me to now..Sort of...

This year has been insane for pretty much everyone, it's held true for us too: 2020 has meant some wild changes. But let me back up, Spring of 2019 we began seriously talking about a potential 1,000+ mile move. I felt so torn, I didn't want to leave my Mom (who lived next door), we had really close friends and I hated the thought of leaving them. But we were feeling stuck and also nudged and all sorts of unsettled so we began to seriously pray about our next step. 

If we go even further back to a few years ago we had a seed of an idea for a church plant laid on our hearts. We felt clearly that God wasn't calling us to plan it where we were. We began to ask where we were supposed to go and God kept nudging us to Florida. Florida was our "Never Will I Ever" state, years ago we joked about how much that was not happening. Face Palm. At the time I didn't like heat, I would miss Autumn and Winter too much and FLORIDA??? Blegh! It is a swampy, shrubby, flat place full of alligators, fire ants, giant spiders, flying roaches, poisonous snakes...And hot and muggy all the time, why would we go there??

And yet every door and window pointed to Florida. The Summer of 2019 brought the realization that we were moving there eventually, we knew that is where we were headed. The Autumn of 2019 brought the realization that a move that big was just impossible. How could we do it? How could we possible get the house ready to sell? How could we afford moving 7 people that far? We made a list for the house and started checking things off (it  was a long list). We took the move off the table though, it wasn't happening for at least 2 years.

January of 2020 we still felt a very direct and pressing direction from God to not get comfortable, to start moving towards this change. We told the kids that we were planning to move to Florida sometime in the next year. In February we went down to Florida for a work trip. We took 3 or 4 days at the end of the trip to scout out potential areas to live. The kids were excited, we've spent a lot of time down here over the years and they've always loved visiting. They love the big skies, the beautiful lakes, beaches and family time. That is a draw to being down here, we have just as much family (even more if you're doing math) down here than anywhere else.

February 2020 a Florida Beach Day

Then March 2020 

The day before our state locked down my Mom and I ran out to a little country store to stock up on baking supplies. I was looking at the lovely array of spices when my Mom said "Why Hello!"     

       It was the realtor friend she had recommended to us a few months before. She introduced us and I was able to talk to him about our hope to sell our house "If and when this all settles down."

The next day our world locked down, "Shelter in Place" was declared in our state. We questioned everything through those weeks, would we still be able to move? Would life ever be the same? The oppressive nature of the lockdowns in our area had us feeling very unsettled and extremely stuck. Every thing was closed and when would it open again? I couldn't really clean things out and take things to donation centers but I felt clearly to start organizing and packing, "Start here and keep moving forward!" 

So I started packing and packing....and packing.

Over the 2 months of lockdown we packed and cleaned, patched, painted, repaired and filled up the garage with junk. In early June I called a junk hauler to come take all the crap away. He happened to be a realtor and walked through our home and gave us an estimate. He also said that real estate was opening the next day and we could have this place on the market in a week if we wanted. The next day? It was opening? YES! But we didn't feel a peace about using this guy, I felt clearly we should call my Mom's friend. I contacted the realtor I met in March and asked him to come see the house ASAP. We had the house on the market within 2 weeks. Within 3 days we had had 26 showings and 15 offers, by the end of the 4th day we were under contract. BOOM. We were doing it, we were really moving to Florida!
`Part 2 Coming Soon...Florida!

Sunny

Sweet Baby5, lovingly dubbed "Sunny" as it is a play on his actual name. His name has a part of sunshine in it, though it has a completely different meaning. How is that for a riddle?

9 years ago, if you would have told me that I would have 5 kids I would have panicked. I really don't enjoy being pregnant. I feel so introverted the more pregnant I get, I just want to curl up into myself and be left with my thoughts. Like the more baby crowds me, the less I want anything to do with the world's noise. The first few months I really don't enjoy feeling like I am going to puke all the time, though with Ziggy and Sunny the "morning sickness" was only really awful in the evenings, and it was manageable if I got a chance to lay down for a few hours in the afternoon. Which wasn't manageable with Sunny, thanks to after school care and going to school pick up in the September heat. It was pretty miserable.

I really don't enjoy feeling exhausted and this time I have felt the pull of all the big kids needs a lot more than I remember feeling with previous pregnancies. I remember with Ziggyfeeling like I was giving some thing important to our family in adding this siblings, that the lessons learned from a new baby are valuable and the give and take was worth it. The kids are bigger this time, I can't skip school (I mean we do, but I feel guilty) because I am sick and exhausted. Joy1 was 7 when I got pregnant with Ziggy, in some cultures she wouldn't even be in school yet, it wasn't a big deal to turn on some audio books and let the rest slide. I can't skip the violin lessons, the orthodontist appointments, juggling vision and dental care and dietary needs is a lot more to think about than it was 3 years ago.
I feel like this baby is a gift, but I also feel like I can't let the exhaustion cause me to drop the ball, they need me. Which means I am exhausted.
And the still find me like this any chance I have to lay down. Ziggy curled up next to me, my ferocious and ardent cuddle bear.

It has made crowding out the world a lot more difficult. Though I have tried. We've stayed home all winter, after an insanely stressful fall I called Operation Hibernation and we've been staying home a lot. I feel a bit bad hunkering down to the extreme that we have, but we've mostly enjoyed it.

Crowded life has also made it difficult to connect with the little one keeping me awake at night with his antics.
I like to take time to get a feel for my babies. With Joy1 I remember she was jumpy and fidgety. I felt kind of unsettled with her, maybe even a bit anxious. I was so sick when I was pregnant with her as well, the entire pregnancy was miserable. I loved her ferociously, and would do every thing in the world to be sure I was making the best choices for her- but I have definitely always had a hard time "settling" with her, feeling comfortable. It felt like once she weaned she always settled down for HubbyJoy better than she would for me. 

Joy2 was a powerhouse. I just remember all her movements were strong and rough and striking. I struggled with a lot of really awful personal stress and exhaustion when I was pregnant with her. My diet was abysmal and I felt horrible the entire pregnancy. She came roaring into our world and she had this deep intensity about her from day 1. She smiled from birth. She loved people. She was happy and sad with all her might and has been since the day she was born.

Joy3 I felt this peaceful snuggle bug. I remember I was around 5 months pregnant with her and reflecting on the feelings I got from her and it was just "snuggle me close and I am good" and that has been true for her up through now. Hold her close, let her know how cherished she is, she's good. She was happy if she had my arms. I am still really the only person on earth that can calm her down and get through to her when she's upset and "locks up".

Ziggy. He was just a joyball. I just felt how happy he was to be with us, to be in there and joining our world. All the way through I just kept feeling this sweetness. And he came out this sweet sensitive thinker. He is happy when he is with the people he loves, particularly his Mama.

Sunny, what do I feel about Sunny? His movements make me think of Joy2 but they are even stronger. They aren't quite as reactive as hers were (she seemed downright annoyed to be honest), he takes the poking and body slamming (Thank you, Ziggy) in stride. He seems more chill than Joy2 was.  But he does get worked up! He hears a noise when it has been quiet and he starts kicking and flipping out about it. Some one talks to him and he wakes up and starts moving all around. But he will also go for LONG periods where he sleeps, he's an active sleeper but it's not the intense "Oh my gosh! Are you going to break out????" movements that he pulls some times. The movie Alien? Some nights he hears Ziggy fuss and that stomach bursting depiction doesn't seem that far fetched.  He seems like he's going to be really chilled out about some things and then have these  "Oh my goodness where did THAT comes from?" moments.

I also love thinking about what clothes feel like him, is that weird? Probably. With Ziggy it was foxes and bears,  reds, and blues, and stripes. He really is like a little fox, so cute and sweet and a little bit of a stinker. And he growled like a baby bear as a newborn, constant loud growly grunts when he was happy or sad.

With Sunny I just keep seeing bright colors and black stripes and patterns, dinosaurs and elephants (there's a combination!). I am sure the season has some thing to do with it too! Ziggy was born near the Autumn and I was craving Autumn colors and themes. With Sunny I want bright and fresh and striking colors.

It will be interesting to see if my intuition is right about him or if he will come out surprising me.

Seasons Shifting

I always feel this way when I am pregnant, but this time it's been hitting me especially hard.

Heading into the home stretch of this pregnancy and I think it is hitting me for real: this is it for me and babies. The end of an era. 11 years of baby building...13 or 14 probably by the time that Baby5 weans (if all goes well with nursing). I am tired. Not just physically from the pregnancy (though I after all these years my body has been growing babies from nothing into big happy toddlers, I am feeling depleted there too!) I am feeling tired trying to keep every thing running. Between homeschooling, keeping the house and laundry kind of decent, and a busy toddler: so much work!

It's funny and it's probably completely mental, but I feel like in choosing this fifth baby- in taking the leap into "look at that big family, they're crazy" territory. I mean we're not the Duggars by any leap. But when people notice my belly and ask me if Sunny is my first or second (usually I am out alone grocery shopping, or all of my children have blissfully abandoned me at the playground) and I say "Actually, he will be my 5th." I get these stunned looks. It's quite amusing! I am pretending it is because they thought I was 24 and look far too young to have so many children (almost a decade past that, and I look it too) and not because they are judging my birth control choices (he was specifically planned and tried for, thank you very much!).

I am probably putting too much pressure on my self, more than I ever did when I had a couple kids. Are their nails all clean? Did they brush their hair and teeth? Are they wearing ripped clothing? Are their glasses clean or do they have 3 weeks of gunk on them? Do they smell good? When was the last time every one showered? I really need to get a better schedule 2 of my kids hate bathing in the winter and will try to fly under the radar until it can't be missed...Usually when I am running through this mental checklist and it's too late to hose them down.
We chose a bigger-ish family but they are all loved, nurtured, cared for and generally clean- see? 

The fact of the matter is things have shifted in life the last year or two. HubbyJoy is super busy with work and I can't depend on him like I used to. I mean he tries and he is far from being uninvolved, but when he has a client waiting on stuff the Honey Do List waits for quite a bit longer than Nesting Mama can stomach sometimes. So I have been reorganizing a lot mentally this year. Handing off some basic household chore to the oldest two kids has helped keep things going fairly well.

Handing off more of their education to them has been freeing as well, actually it is amazing! I have daily requirements that they meet before they can do any thing with screens: big motivator. Most days they knock out the list before 9:30a.m. and we sit down for 30 minutes and I have them narrate what they are reading about and go over their math questions and science material with them. It definitely lightens my load.

There are definitely areas we could improve in educationally, but that isn't this season, we're getting it done and they are all learning and growing, this list is good enough for now.

Which brings me back to sweet Sunny Joy. He's due in May and I can't remember ever feeling like this about a pregnancy. 

Done, numb, apathetic, exhausted, giving myself pep talks, unable to wrap my head around the fact that I am doing this again. 

I wanted this baby. Last summer I had a dream about little boy, it wasn't Ziggy. That little guy in my dream had a name I had never considered for any of my kids before, he was a lot like Ziggy but completely different and the were playing together. I told God in the dream (and in many conversations afterwards) that I felt a little selfish asking for one more little boy in our family, but I wanted that one, his little arms around my neck were so real and his name was exactly right and fit so perfectly into our family convictions. HubbyJoy and I talked about it for weeks and kind of came to a point where we knew I was ovulating soon, we knew the window in which the spacing would be anywhere near what we wanted was closing. So we decided to go for it. 

If we had known how insane the next 4 months would be, there is no way we would have tried for baby! My wisdom teeth were impacted and causing severe pain, as soon as we realized there was no turning back on that move I kind of panicked about dealing with that through the first trimester. I scheduled surgery to have them removed immediately. That took 2 weeks out of my life by the time I was recovered.
I was getting back to normal and feeling good and took a job doing before and after school care for our neighbors again. That was going to be a tall order with homeschooling, I honestly didn't think we would get pregnant after the surgery stress and I was kind of second guessing our decision, it wasn't a good time for a pregnancy. 

Famous last words. The day before I started watching the kids, on Ziggy's second birthday actually, I got a positive pregnancy test. 

A few days after the neighbors started with Before and After school care, they announced they were moving in November, and would Mom like to buy their house (some thing we had talked about and planned to do the next year)? Which meant we were buying this house! It would be all ours well before the baby arrived. What an answer to prayer!! 

What a freaking headache. If you've ever bought a house and gone through mortgage paperwork,  you know what a completely thrilling experience it is. So many phone calls. So many emails. So many forms. So many phone calls. phone calls phone calls. Oh my goodness it sucks. 

Add into the mix that HubbyJoy was taking a Seminary course 1 weekend a month all Autumn in preparation for his Ordination (also scheduled for some time that Fall) and on top of the mortgage process, on top of a pregnant sick wife working part time, on top of working full-time himself. 

A test of our endurance. 

We closed on the house in November and moved Mom next door the next week. It has been wonderful having our own home, it was desperately needed and it was on the table for next summer but the fact that it worked out so soon was completely God and an answer to our over-crowded prayers. This house is the perfect size for all of us, even a little bit big. We are feeling little nudges that we might not be here forever (and that makes me sad because I love this house) but for the next several years this will be our home. 

All of that adjustment it is no wonder I am feeling a little bit of a hard time connecting with this little guy. 

I wanted him, I asked for him, but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how soon he will be here. And that my Ziggy Joy won't be my "baby" anymore. Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe because he was my baby boy, but in some ways I am feeling like I did with my oldest when I was pregnant with my second, can I love another little boy this much? Ziggy was a breath of fresh air, a little joy ball, a baby I thoroughly just enjoyed.  He has been such a little sweet bear that just oozes love. I am so tired, what if Sunny is a fussy baby?  What if we don't connect as easily? What if I have used up all my baby love? 

And I know love grows, it surprises you, and it is different every time and that's okay. Still a lot to process. 

I didn't get around to what I wanted to reflect on in this post, which is that I am also feeling really ready. I see how big my older three are getting and I am ready to be done with babies and toddlers. I am ready to be able to go and do stuff as a family with out worrying about diaper blowouts, milk leaking and soaking my shirt, with out some one melting down because they are missing their nap, with out having to be hyper vigilant because toddlers are unpredictable. 

I think about the fact that I am about to be doing these scooter walks with my big kids with a toddler and a baby in tow. 

With Ziggy I felt all the pluses and no minuses for adding another baby to our family. I saw love grow in a way I had never witnessed and it has been an blessing to watch it blossom over the last two years. With Sunny I am again watching love grow. But instead of feeling that it is all gains for every member of the family, I am seeing that continuing this baby season of our life past Sunny, I will be limiting and changing some goals and ideals and I am not sure I am willing to do that. Pregnancy isn't easy for me. I am sick for about 4 months every time, I deal with hip and back pain, hormonal mood swings, and horrible insomnia which leaves me feeling tired and frustrated. My births are for 4/4 for being longer and dramatic. I am really not looking forward to the process again and I hope we can go out with a decent experience on that front as well. A post on that another time.

I am ready I think to move on and maybe there is a bit of denial and grief that Sunny is "it" and I wish I had more to give him and could slow time down and savor this. 

But mostly I just want to get him here, and know that we are complete and moving forward. I am so ready to know him. Also a post about him another time. 

A Beginning

Blogging seems kind of ...dead. I know there are a lot of blogs out there, popular blog, blogs with hundreds and thousands of readers a day. It seems though that so much of it is run by social media and that's just not really my thing. Don't get me wrong, I waste as much time as the next person scrolling through Facebook, laughing at stupid posts, sending hugs to friends having a rough day, making connections outside my home in private groups.

I haven't blogged much since Baby Four arrived 2.5 years ago. I used to use blogger to document snippets of family life for posterity but I mostly use Facebook for memory keeping now (and the options of downloading whole Timelines into Memory books, which I plan to do one of these days, really!).

The thing is, I do need the outlet, a space to think about stuff - regardless of who reads it. This is probably the worst time I could possibly take on a new blog, Baby Five is due in less than 2 months and there is so much to do between now and then!

Life is very full, just keeping every one fed and alive and the basics of life feels like a full time job. I have been thinking about relationships in my life, relationships with in my family, and being intentional about the choices I make in fostering relationships. Being intentional about what I take on and commit to. I have been thinking about the shift I feel as my bigger kids get older and we start quickly sliding towards middle school and puberty. I have been thinking about this shift to Baby Five and how hard it has been this time to find time to connect with him. How hard it has been to even wrap my head around the fact that in a blink I will have his sweet smelling head tucked against my cheek. I will be up nursing again at night. I will be doing the teething thing again. And all in the midst of that I am going to still be juggling the midst of "this". This life is big.

Add to it that there are so many "shoulds" pushing and pulling us, we should be getting involved here, or we should be doing more of that, especially when it comes to homeschooling. We're closing in on the end of our 5th year of homeschooling and I am starting to feel those "shoulds" and pressure more than ever, my oldest will be in 5th grade next year. How can I best prepare her? Am I giving her enough to stretch her wings and take on some personal responsibility and independence?  She's such an amazing individual, and I never know with her how hard I should be pushing her, or where I need to wait and let her work things out in her own time. I mostly lean towards waiting with her, she's a slow bloomer and that's okay. But am I doing her a disservice, is she too comfortable? I won't even touch the other side of the spectrum that is Child Two. That girl! She is the catalyst to so much that drives this family, and that's okay but a post of it's own!

I need a space, a corner of the internet to make some space for joy. To focus on my personal goals.

How can I do that? What are those goals? How do they align with my convictions for my family? What exactly are those convictions? I hope to kind of start chipping away at those in the next few posts.

Baby 4 (really, a great big toddler) is waking from his nap and I don't know how much more time I will have to write before he wakes up and wants to be the soul focus of my attention, he's good like that. He doesn't take distracted Mama when it comes to after nap snuggles.

More later...