What Do I Want For My Kids? What Do I Want For Our Days?

My question at the end of my last post was:  How do I transition in all of this? How do I grow with my kids and this new season of life? How do I move forward this school year? What do I want our week to look like?

My goal was for a slow and peaceful childhood. But something I didn't talk about was that I also want them to have to work some struggle muscles. Some of the reason I chose a more traditional, curriculum based homeschool model (over radical unschooling or whatever) is that I want my kids to realize not everything worth having in life is going to feel easy or fun. I want to work those struggle muscles and for them to see that they can do hard things. I want them to have self-discipline that not everything is all about them or easy breezy, feel good fun.  I want them to have the experience of  navigating something arbitrary and distasteful and having new skills or understanding because of it. Not to create hardship for the sake of hardship but to develop their character and help them have some recall to draw from into adulthood.

I need to find the balance between wanting them to dig in for the joy of learning something they're passionate about. And understanding that sometimes you just need to buckle down and memorize stuff so you have it handy and can use it in other ways throughout your life. Like maybe we need to incorporate math drills and maybe they need to write that paper on Louis & Clark or book report on Sarah Plain and Tall because it works "muscles" in both their character and brain. I may not align with any single educational method but I don't feel that I've gone completely awry in some of my more arbitrary requirements of them. I just struggle to teach or require the arbitrary because I struggle to teach things like they do in school. I was never good at school! 

Old pic, that's Joy4 (now almost 6) standing on the chair

So what does that mean for our school week this coming year? What do I need to do to ground us? What do I want them to learn? What do I want us to gain in this year? How can I use school as a source of connection and balance the arbitrary with the joy? What do I want our days to look like? What actually works with the real flow of our schedule and our family's lifestyle? 

I don't know. 

Schedule-wise I know the kids do best when I'm up and ready to go by 8a.m. and that's more doable now that I'm generally getting decent sleep. I'm usually awake and drinking my coffee by 7:30. 

Things that I don't enjoy about our school days previously have been: having 2-4 kids waiting on me to help them with questions. I do not enjoy bopping from kid to kid while someone acts out in the background (because they've been waiting 15 minutes and can't move on) or the boys start fighting or making tons of noise. I leave each school day frazzled and feeling grumpy because it was 2-4 hours of chasing my tail while I try to help them answer stupid questions in the text I wasn't assigned to read. I'm a bit bitter about the last school year or two in particular if you can't tell. 

Hard to believe this baby is starting 1st grade...but he's been the main source of the chaos the last 6 years!

I have come to dread school because it's just this constant relentless chaos of questions and drama and kids at loose ends and me struggling not to snap at the same behaviors we've dealt with 229 times already that week. 

So that's not working for me. 

How can I manage this better? What do I want the days to look like? 

What's worked best is to set aside an hour for each kid in the day and that's their hour to do their focused school with me. We go into my bedroom with their school basket and they get that hour with me all to themselves. But I do not have an hour to give anymore! I won't ever use a curriculum that require a full hour or my holding their hand. What would work even better is if I focused on explaining the next day's assignments to them so that they could get started earlier the next day and know what they need help with when it comes to their turn and time with me. We can bop those issues right off and be more efficient and focused. 

So what would my ideal day be this year?

My ideal  school day would be...

7:30: Wake up by then at the latest
7:30-8:00 coffee and quiet time
8:00 get breakfast together...bake the muffins, make the pancakes..make sure the smoothies.
8:30 chores...chickens, dog, cow...garden.
9:30ish Family Style Work: Read aloud, History read aloud and project. Science on the alternate days.
10:30 One on One  #1 I work for 30 minutes with AJ. She's usually the most anxious to get her work done and usually needs the most hand holding.
11:00: One on One  #2 I work 15-20 minutes with RJ she's usually at a place where she's looked everything over and has questions.
11:15 One on One  #3 I work for 30 minutes with PJ she's usually done everything she can, read her reading, done her math...and she needs help with language arts/grammar and maybe some math questions Her work usually doesn't take very long. 

And then this is the part of the day where everything falls apart. By lunch time I'm fried. It's been too much peopleing, so much thinking and questions and talking. I want a long break or I need to run errands or there are basic household things we've got to take care of ASAP...

Ideally we'd do...

Noon-ish. Lunch break  

12:30: One on One  #4 School with IF
1:00 Rest Time Mon Take RJ to Violin. 
2:00 Kids check off last of their chores before computers can be used. Friday Take RJ to violin

3:00 Free For All and Errands 

As far as a rhythm to our week? 

Mondays: RJ has Violin and currently every other Monday we have to drive down and get milk. Though that won't be an issue when we have the cow. 
Tuesday: Bread Baking. I need to teach the kids how to do this. We could focus on a baking project on Tuesdays.

Wednesday: It could be library day, we were doing Thursday but middle of the week would work better. 
Thursday: Bread baking day
Friday: Homeschool Park Meet ups  11-2 and then RJ has violin 2:30-4:30

Reading all that it makes sense why I'm tired. I think I have a better picture of what I want to do so that's good. Next post I need to work through exactly what curriculum we're going to use and how I hope to use it....Later. 

What DO I Do Well?

 

I'm trying to figure out what we're doing this school year. I've been reflecting on what has worked and what hasn't and feeling overwhelmed. I only have 5 more years of schooling Joy1, the reality that we're staring high school is really hitting me hard. 

I'm not a teacher. It's not a strength of mine to be honest and I'm looking at the fruit of homeschooling so far and on paper, well I'm just not sure. 

On paper my kids are all over the place, way ahead in some areas and way behind in others. That's normal for homeschooled kids but it's hard not to start comparing or feeling like a failure because I certainly do not have college level middle schoolers. I've never stuck to a curriculum perfectly. I hate making them do things that feel arbitrary but are the "right" thing. I waffle and worry. I kept having babies which threw a wrench in everything for a full year afterwards. I can be very consistent for myself and personal habits but when it means motivating others to do the same I'm at a loss. I don't know how to set us up for success or how to have a consistent school day or schedule...Things always seem to derail everything.  

When I set out to homeschool I wanted to offer my kids a real childhood. I didn't want them being trained to be good little students who could ace a test and get gold stars. I didn't want them gone 40+ hours a week and spending their entire growing up years away from our family. I didn't want their days full and rushed, I didn't want them to be in a constant state of stress and compression.

 I wanted them to be able to play, to curl up with books and get lost for hours at a time. I wanted them to be playing outdoors for hours on end with friends, getting muddy in the creek, playing in the snow and rain. I wanted to take nature walks with them and enjoy the gifts to be found in each season. I wanted them to find what they love and dig in and learn all about it. I wanted them to make mud pies, learn to garden and cook. I wanted them to be free. 

And looking back over the last 9 years I think we have done so much of that. I haven't ever stuck to a schedule. I haven't checked off every box I planned to scratch. But I know that freedom and time is what I've given them and I feel so blessed that we've been able to do that. They do know how to learn and figure out stuff on their own and how to find help when they're stuck.  They know how to read, they love stories and books and learning. 

I was talking with a friend in PA during our visit and she was saying essentially how she was going to try to relax this school year, to let go of the book stuff and focus on relationships.  What she shared was really resonating with me. The idea of building a daily rhythm to ground our days is so very appealing. It's what has worked best for us in the past, between babies when I actually had the brain space and enough sleep to get it together. But I'm really worried about the book stuff. I feel like such a failure that my kids still struggle with basic multiplication and division. That they won't memorize anything (except random pages of Frances books and random passages of books that have nothing classical or meaningful about them) and I have never been able to get them to see why it's important. I had visions of my kids knowing bunches of Bible verses, Awana award winner types, spouting poetry, knowing all the presidents and tons of history facts. Classical Conversation Elite all the way. I want to look successful and don't want to be a cautionary tale of those horrible neglectful homeschoolers. Most of all want my kids to be prepared for the real world...I want my kids able to do what they want to do in life. I want them to be able to find the answers. I don't want them feeling frustrated that I didn't offer them opportunities to learn the things they'll need to be successful. 



But I don't think focusing on drilling concepts, trying to cover gaps in learning and focusing on where we lack is going to do it. It can't be the focus. 

Our amazing School Room

So what do I do well? What does the focus need to be? How do I build more connection and help them learn and discover?  No curriculum is going to do it. We've tried them all with varying success. I feel like it's often such a waste because I'm not a teacher and they're not great students. They see arbitrary things as the busy work that it is, they see the waste of time. They see the reality that it's so that I can feel I taught something and checked something off an arbitrary set of checkpoints. Most of them do not grasp concepts by doing worksheets and crosswords about them. They are all mostly kinetic learners, they learn best from doing real things and through creativity. They learn best when their imagination is involved. They learn best when they are asked to solve real life problems. 



So what DO I do well? I love a good story. I love finding resources that make history come alive. I love nature and feel that most of understanding of science that you could ever need can be learned through appreciating and slowing down and being curious when out in nature. I am good, when I slow down and let go of the To Do list, at helping them find the answers they are seeking. What is lightning? Why do trees have bark? What kind of sap is edible? How does rain work? What about rainbows? 



I am also realizing I've struggled so much the last few years because 1) I've had infant/toddlers and that's brutal for me energy-wise. 2) My older kids have moved out of the curiosity stage.  The under 8 crowd wants to know everything about everything and they have no qualms about asking a billion questions a week. I love that! My older kids don't really get curious about things that require a library trip to find books about wolves or volcanoes. We have covered those things. They are more into 3D modeling and drawing and things that require youtube and hours of practicing a new skill on their own. 

The shift into this new stage of life has been really difficult for me. I find it harder to connect. I can't just curl up and read with them or try a hands on project from scraps I dig up from the junk drawer and pantry. I did do those things for them. But now we're in a new season. Their Dad is stronger at the technical stuff and he's the one slogging through helping them problem solve and find resources to do what they want to do.  Also having such a wide range of ages has been a real challenge, I think we're getting to the age where I can do read aloud times with out the younger ones making it an absolutely miserable experience within 10 minutes. 

So my answer to what I can do well: I enjoy things with them. Nature walks. Looking things up. Reading out loud. Crafty projects. I don't enjoy baking but I can teach them how to cook and bake. 

So how do I transition in all of this? How do I grow with my kids and this new season of life? How do I move forward this school year? What do I want our week to look like?

Questions for another post...

Self-Care in 2020

I was reflecting on the wall I hit Saturday night. I didn't mention this in my last post but after the boys had me up for hours from midnight to 2 a.m. and we finally all got settled and into a good deep sleep there was an unearthly shattering sound at 4a.m. and this is the scene that greeted us...

The giant mirror in the kids' bathroom came off the wall and shattered everywhere. I could draw a lot of parallels to this mirror situations. The fact that the builders didn't secure the mirror to the wall with screws and clips, they just slapped some heavy duty glue up there and called it good. We could draw that out to how that's a lot like Parenthood. If we don't have some things that we do that bolt us and secure us we're going to end up like that mirror.

I wouldn't have said that "Mom Guilt" is something that I have struggled with often. Yesterday writing everything out, it was kind of eye opening how much of that burden I have been carrying lately. I think some of it is due to Hubby's work schedule and stress levels. He doesn't have any extra anything to give and so any time I take from the kids is 95% of the time them just fending for themselves. So sitting alone = guilt. Grocery shopping alone= guilt. Grabbing an extra hour of sleep after a horrible night with the boys= guilt. I've been the primary parent for months and the kids have been getting the short end of the stick. Hubs sees this, he's well aware and struggling with his own guilt.  We can't change the work schedule right now, it is what it is (that's pretty much the phrase of 2020) but it doesn't change the fact that I feel this sense of deep exhaustion tinged with guilt any time I try to catch a break.

But that's not working for me. I need to have something to secure me and keep me strong and in place.

So what do I do?

One thing I need to do is drop the guilt. It's not serving me. 

I went out on the porch for a bit this morning and I stopped the "shoulds" and sat out there and enjoyed myself. I browsed social media and drank my coffee in peace.

Yesterday I ran errands and while that's not exactly recharging (I hate Walmart) I did grab some stuff for my plant babies and they're much happier now.

I think the thing that I really need to do is compartmentalize and be intentional. Yes, I am taking time for myself right now. Yes the littlest does not like being locked away from me or having me leave him but it's just for a little while, he'll be okay. 

This hour I am working on school with the kids and then I'm going to go rest by myself for a little while. For an hour I am going to work on chores and then I'm going to do something fun with the kids, after that I am going to sit and knit and watch a show for 30 minutes. I need to be more intentional about the time I take for myself and not feeling bad about it. 

Today I am going to...

•  Go through the kids school books and get their schedules written for the week. 
• Get Joy2's math pages printed and organized
• Call the dryer repairman and ask him what my options are for our broken dryer (oh yeah on top of the bad sleep and shattered mirror the dryer broke this weekend!)
•  Wash a few loads and dry them outside (yay for a working washing machine!)

 

Setting Goals

I want to make some changes. We've been drifting and surviving with the last 40+ days of "shelter in place" happening in our region. We're tired and drained and Hubby and I are trying not to stress, trying to just take life a day at a time.

But there are three small changes I want to make to how we function, three little intentional changes and I want to get back into some sort of school routine.

First change: I want my dining room table back!

Can you see that mess on the dining room table in the background?


I am going to remove the book shelf in the picture and I'm getting the three kids (who use their computers at the dining room table) individual desks. Two desks will be where that long desk is in the picture (it's a virtual image, I was trying on all sorts of desks on the amazon shopping app!) and one will be in the corner across the room.

I am really hoping giving each child an area to store their school stuff will help  and it will keep my dining room table clear for family meals. I plan on using these baskets (well bought locally)
on the shelf for each of them to store their school books and binder in so that it's all together in one place. They won't arrive for at least 2 weeks so that kind of stinks, but once they do I'm excited to get my dining room back!!!

Second Change
Everyone has an assigned seat at the table and everyone eats at the dining room table, no exceptions. We've gotten super lazy with this because the dining room table is almost always covered in computers and school stuff.  I want us to sit down and eat together and I want it to take less effort to happen.

Third Change: Daily Themes
I did this years ago and it was fantastic and I'm not sure why I stopped...Probably Joy4's arrival...a lot of things stopped when he arrived.

I need to think carefully about daily themes and keeping it workable given current events (like we can't have a Library day right now...but maybe some thing else). I think I will write another post on this subject another time. Right now a little 4 yo is asleep next to me and I need to go get the 1 year old to go to sleep too....More later!

Seasons Shifting

I always feel this way when I am pregnant, but this time it's been hitting me especially hard.

Heading into the home stretch of this pregnancy and I think it is hitting me for real: this is it for me and babies. The end of an era. 11 years of baby building...13 or 14 probably by the time that Baby5 weans (if all goes well with nursing). I am tired. Not just physically from the pregnancy (though I after all these years my body has been growing babies from nothing into big happy toddlers, I am feeling depleted there too!) I am feeling tired trying to keep every thing running. Between homeschooling, keeping the house and laundry kind of decent, and a busy toddler: so much work!

It's funny and it's probably completely mental, but I feel like in choosing this fifth baby- in taking the leap into "look at that big family, they're crazy" territory. I mean we're not the Duggars by any leap. But when people notice my belly and ask me if Sunny is my first or second (usually I am out alone grocery shopping, or all of my children have blissfully abandoned me at the playground) and I say "Actually, he will be my 5th." I get these stunned looks. It's quite amusing! I am pretending it is because they thought I was 24 and look far too young to have so many children (almost a decade past that, and I look it too) and not because they are judging my birth control choices (he was specifically planned and tried for, thank you very much!).

I am probably putting too much pressure on my self, more than I ever did when I had a couple kids. Are their nails all clean? Did they brush their hair and teeth? Are they wearing ripped clothing? Are their glasses clean or do they have 3 weeks of gunk on them? Do they smell good? When was the last time every one showered? I really need to get a better schedule 2 of my kids hate bathing in the winter and will try to fly under the radar until it can't be missed...Usually when I am running through this mental checklist and it's too late to hose them down.
We chose a bigger-ish family but they are all loved, nurtured, cared for and generally clean- see? 

The fact of the matter is things have shifted in life the last year or two. HubbyJoy is super busy with work and I can't depend on him like I used to. I mean he tries and he is far from being uninvolved, but when he has a client waiting on stuff the Honey Do List waits for quite a bit longer than Nesting Mama can stomach sometimes. So I have been reorganizing a lot mentally this year. Handing off some basic household chore to the oldest two kids has helped keep things going fairly well.

Handing off more of their education to them has been freeing as well, actually it is amazing! I have daily requirements that they meet before they can do any thing with screens: big motivator. Most days they knock out the list before 9:30a.m. and we sit down for 30 minutes and I have them narrate what they are reading about and go over their math questions and science material with them. It definitely lightens my load.

There are definitely areas we could improve in educationally, but that isn't this season, we're getting it done and they are all learning and growing, this list is good enough for now.

Which brings me back to sweet Sunny Joy. He's due in May and I can't remember ever feeling like this about a pregnancy. 

Done, numb, apathetic, exhausted, giving myself pep talks, unable to wrap my head around the fact that I am doing this again. 

I wanted this baby. Last summer I had a dream about little boy, it wasn't Ziggy. That little guy in my dream had a name I had never considered for any of my kids before, he was a lot like Ziggy but completely different and the were playing together. I told God in the dream (and in many conversations afterwards) that I felt a little selfish asking for one more little boy in our family, but I wanted that one, his little arms around my neck were so real and his name was exactly right and fit so perfectly into our family convictions. HubbyJoy and I talked about it for weeks and kind of came to a point where we knew I was ovulating soon, we knew the window in which the spacing would be anywhere near what we wanted was closing. So we decided to go for it. 

If we had known how insane the next 4 months would be, there is no way we would have tried for baby! My wisdom teeth were impacted and causing severe pain, as soon as we realized there was no turning back on that move I kind of panicked about dealing with that through the first trimester. I scheduled surgery to have them removed immediately. That took 2 weeks out of my life by the time I was recovered.
I was getting back to normal and feeling good and took a job doing before and after school care for our neighbors again. That was going to be a tall order with homeschooling, I honestly didn't think we would get pregnant after the surgery stress and I was kind of second guessing our decision, it wasn't a good time for a pregnancy. 

Famous last words. The day before I started watching the kids, on Ziggy's second birthday actually, I got a positive pregnancy test. 

A few days after the neighbors started with Before and After school care, they announced they were moving in November, and would Mom like to buy their house (some thing we had talked about and planned to do the next year)? Which meant we were buying this house! It would be all ours well before the baby arrived. What an answer to prayer!! 

What a freaking headache. If you've ever bought a house and gone through mortgage paperwork,  you know what a completely thrilling experience it is. So many phone calls. So many emails. So many forms. So many phone calls. phone calls phone calls. Oh my goodness it sucks. 

Add into the mix that HubbyJoy was taking a Seminary course 1 weekend a month all Autumn in preparation for his Ordination (also scheduled for some time that Fall) and on top of the mortgage process, on top of a pregnant sick wife working part time, on top of working full-time himself. 

A test of our endurance. 

We closed on the house in November and moved Mom next door the next week. It has been wonderful having our own home, it was desperately needed and it was on the table for next summer but the fact that it worked out so soon was completely God and an answer to our over-crowded prayers. This house is the perfect size for all of us, even a little bit big. We are feeling little nudges that we might not be here forever (and that makes me sad because I love this house) but for the next several years this will be our home. 

All of that adjustment it is no wonder I am feeling a little bit of a hard time connecting with this little guy. 

I wanted him, I asked for him, but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how soon he will be here. And that my Ziggy Joy won't be my "baby" anymore. Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe because he was my baby boy, but in some ways I am feeling like I did with my oldest when I was pregnant with my second, can I love another little boy this much? Ziggy was a breath of fresh air, a little joy ball, a baby I thoroughly just enjoyed.  He has been such a little sweet bear that just oozes love. I am so tired, what if Sunny is a fussy baby?  What if we don't connect as easily? What if I have used up all my baby love? 

And I know love grows, it surprises you, and it is different every time and that's okay. Still a lot to process. 

I didn't get around to what I wanted to reflect on in this post, which is that I am also feeling really ready. I see how big my older three are getting and I am ready to be done with babies and toddlers. I am ready to be able to go and do stuff as a family with out worrying about diaper blowouts, milk leaking and soaking my shirt, with out some one melting down because they are missing their nap, with out having to be hyper vigilant because toddlers are unpredictable. 

I think about the fact that I am about to be doing these scooter walks with my big kids with a toddler and a baby in tow. 

With Ziggy I felt all the pluses and no minuses for adding another baby to our family. I saw love grow in a way I had never witnessed and it has been an blessing to watch it blossom over the last two years. With Sunny I am again watching love grow. But instead of feeling that it is all gains for every member of the family, I am seeing that continuing this baby season of our life past Sunny, I will be limiting and changing some goals and ideals and I am not sure I am willing to do that. Pregnancy isn't easy for me. I am sick for about 4 months every time, I deal with hip and back pain, hormonal mood swings, and horrible insomnia which leaves me feeling tired and frustrated. My births are for 4/4 for being longer and dramatic. I am really not looking forward to the process again and I hope we can go out with a decent experience on that front as well. A post on that another time.

I am ready I think to move on and maybe there is a bit of denial and grief that Sunny is "it" and I wish I had more to give him and could slow time down and savor this. 

But mostly I just want to get him here, and know that we are complete and moving forward. I am so ready to know him. Also a post about him another time. 

A Beginning

Blogging seems kind of ...dead. I know there are a lot of blogs out there, popular blog, blogs with hundreds and thousands of readers a day. It seems though that so much of it is run by social media and that's just not really my thing. Don't get me wrong, I waste as much time as the next person scrolling through Facebook, laughing at stupid posts, sending hugs to friends having a rough day, making connections outside my home in private groups.

I haven't blogged much since Baby Four arrived 2.5 years ago. I used to use blogger to document snippets of family life for posterity but I mostly use Facebook for memory keeping now (and the options of downloading whole Timelines into Memory books, which I plan to do one of these days, really!).

The thing is, I do need the outlet, a space to think about stuff - regardless of who reads it. This is probably the worst time I could possibly take on a new blog, Baby Five is due in less than 2 months and there is so much to do between now and then!

Life is very full, just keeping every one fed and alive and the basics of life feels like a full time job. I have been thinking about relationships in my life, relationships with in my family, and being intentional about the choices I make in fostering relationships. Being intentional about what I take on and commit to. I have been thinking about the shift I feel as my bigger kids get older and we start quickly sliding towards middle school and puberty. I have been thinking about this shift to Baby Five and how hard it has been this time to find time to connect with him. How hard it has been to even wrap my head around the fact that in a blink I will have his sweet smelling head tucked against my cheek. I will be up nursing again at night. I will be doing the teething thing again. And all in the midst of that I am going to still be juggling the midst of "this". This life is big.

Add to it that there are so many "shoulds" pushing and pulling us, we should be getting involved here, or we should be doing more of that, especially when it comes to homeschooling. We're closing in on the end of our 5th year of homeschooling and I am starting to feel those "shoulds" and pressure more than ever, my oldest will be in 5th grade next year. How can I best prepare her? Am I giving her enough to stretch her wings and take on some personal responsibility and independence?  She's such an amazing individual, and I never know with her how hard I should be pushing her, or where I need to wait and let her work things out in her own time. I mostly lean towards waiting with her, she's a slow bloomer and that's okay. But am I doing her a disservice, is she too comfortable? I won't even touch the other side of the spectrum that is Child Two. That girl! She is the catalyst to so much that drives this family, and that's okay but a post of it's own!

I need a space, a corner of the internet to make some space for joy. To focus on my personal goals.

How can I do that? What are those goals? How do they align with my convictions for my family? What exactly are those convictions? I hope to kind of start chipping away at those in the next few posts.

Baby 4 (really, a great big toddler) is waking from his nap and I don't know how much more time I will have to write before he wakes up and wants to be the soul focus of my attention, he's good like that. He doesn't take distracted Mama when it comes to after nap snuggles.

More later...