It's funny and it's probably completely mental, but I feel like in choosing this fifth baby- in taking the leap into "look at that big family, they're crazy" territory. I mean we're not the Duggars by any leap. But when people notice my belly and ask me if Sunny is my first or second (usually I am out alone grocery shopping, or all of my children have blissfully abandoned me at the playground) and I say "Actually, he will be my 5th." I get these stunned looks. It's quite amusing! I am pretending it is because they thought I was 24 and look far too young to have so many children (almost a decade past that, and I look it too) and not because they are judging my birth control choices (he was specifically planned and tried for, thank you very much!).
I am probably putting too much pressure on my self, more than I ever did when I had a couple kids. Are their nails all clean? Did they brush their hair and teeth? Are they wearing ripped clothing? Are their glasses clean or do they have 3 weeks of gunk on them? Do they smell good? When was the last time every one showered? I really need to get a better schedule 2 of my kids hate bathing in the winter and will try to fly under the radar until it can't be missed...Usually when I am running through this mental checklist and it's too late to hose them down.
We chose a bigger-ish family but they are all loved, nurtured, cared for and generally clean- see?
The fact of the matter is things have shifted in life the last year or two. HubbyJoy is super busy with work and I can't depend on him like I used to. I mean he tries and he is far from being uninvolved, but when he has a client waiting on stuff the Honey Do List waits for quite a bit longer than Nesting Mama can stomach sometimes. So I have been reorganizing a lot mentally this year. Handing off some basic household chore to the oldest two kids has helped keep things going fairly well.
Handing off more of their education to them has been freeing as well, actually it is amazing! I have daily requirements that they meet before they can do any thing with screens: big motivator. Most days they knock out the list before 9:30a.m. and we sit down for 30 minutes and I have them narrate what they are reading about and go over their math questions and science material with them. It definitely lightens my load.
There are definitely areas we could improve in educationally, but that isn't this season, we're getting it done and they are all learning and growing, this list is good enough for now.
Which brings me back to sweet Sunny Joy. He's due in May and I can't remember ever feeling like this about a pregnancy.
Done, numb, apathetic, exhausted, giving myself pep talks, unable to wrap my head around the fact that I am doing this again.
I wanted this baby. Last summer I had a dream about little boy, it wasn't Ziggy. That little guy in my dream had a name I had never considered for any of my kids before, he was a lot like Ziggy but completely different and the were playing together. I told God in the dream (and in many conversations afterwards) that I felt a little selfish asking for one more little boy in our family, but I wanted that one, his little arms around my neck were so real and his name was exactly right and fit so perfectly into our family convictions. HubbyJoy and I talked about it for weeks and kind of came to a point where we knew I was ovulating soon, we knew the window in which the spacing would be anywhere near what we wanted was closing. So we decided to go for it.
If we had known how insane the next 4 months would be, there is no way we would have tried for baby! My wisdom teeth were impacted and causing severe pain, as soon as we realized there was no turning back on that move I kind of panicked about dealing with that through the first trimester. I scheduled surgery to have them removed immediately. That took 2 weeks out of my life by the time I was recovered.
I was getting back to normal and feeling good and took a job doing before and after school care for our neighbors again. That was going to be a tall order with homeschooling, I honestly didn't think we would get pregnant after the surgery stress and I was kind of second guessing our decision, it wasn't a good time for a pregnancy.
I was getting back to normal and feeling good and took a job doing before and after school care for our neighbors again. That was going to be a tall order with homeschooling, I honestly didn't think we would get pregnant after the surgery stress and I was kind of second guessing our decision, it wasn't a good time for a pregnancy.
Famous last words. The day before I started watching the kids, on Ziggy's second birthday actually, I got a positive pregnancy test.
A few days after the neighbors started with Before and After school care, they announced they were moving in November, and would Mom like to buy their house (some thing we had talked about and planned to do the next year)? Which meant we were buying this house! It would be all ours well before the baby arrived. What an answer to prayer!!
What a freaking headache. If you've ever bought a house and gone through mortgage paperwork, you know what a completely thrilling experience it is. So many phone calls. So many emails. So many forms. So many phone calls. phone calls phone calls. Oh my goodness it sucks.
Add into the mix that HubbyJoy was taking a Seminary course 1 weekend a month all Autumn in preparation for his Ordination (also scheduled for some time that Fall) and on top of the mortgage process, on top of a pregnant sick wife working part time, on top of working full-time himself.
A test of our endurance.
We closed on the house in November and moved Mom next door the next week. It has been wonderful having our own home, it was desperately needed and it was on the table for next summer but the fact that it worked out so soon was completely God and an answer to our over-crowded prayers. This house is the perfect size for all of us, even a little bit big. We are feeling little nudges that we might not be here forever (and that makes me sad because I love this house) but for the next several years this will be our home.
All of that adjustment it is no wonder I am feeling a little bit of a hard time connecting with this little guy.
I wanted him, I asked for him, but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how soon he will be here. And that my Ziggy Joy won't be my "baby" anymore. Maybe it is all in my head. Maybe because he was my baby boy, but in some ways I am feeling like I did with my oldest when I was pregnant with my second, can I love another little boy this much? Ziggy was a breath of fresh air, a little joy ball, a baby I thoroughly just enjoyed. He has been such a little sweet bear that just oozes love. I am so tired, what if Sunny is a fussy baby? What if we don't connect as easily? What if I have used up all my baby love?
And I know love grows, it surprises you, and it is different every time and that's okay. Still a lot to process.
I didn't get around to what I wanted to reflect on in this post, which is that I am also feeling really ready. I see how big my older three are getting and I am ready to be done with babies and toddlers. I am ready to be able to go and do stuff as a family with out worrying about diaper blowouts, milk leaking and soaking my shirt, with out some one melting down because they are missing their nap, with out having to be hyper vigilant because toddlers are unpredictable.
I think about the fact that I am about to be doing these scooter walks with my big kids with a toddler and a baby in tow.
With Ziggy I felt all the pluses and no minuses for adding another baby to our family. I saw love grow in a way I had never witnessed and it has been an blessing to watch it blossom over the last two years. With Sunny I am again watching love grow. But instead of feeling that it is all gains for every member of the family, I am seeing that continuing this baby season of our life past Sunny, I will be limiting and changing some goals and ideals and I am not sure I am willing to do that. Pregnancy isn't easy for me. I am sick for about 4 months every time, I deal with hip and back pain, hormonal mood swings, and horrible insomnia which leaves me feeling tired and frustrated. My births are for 4/4 for being longer and dramatic. I am really not looking forward to the process again and I hope we can go out with a decent experience on that front as well. A post on that another time.
I am ready I think to move on and maybe there is a bit of denial and grief that Sunny is "it" and I wish I had more to give him and could slow time down and savor this.
But mostly I just want to get him here, and know that we are complete and moving forward. I am so ready to know him. Also a post about him another time.
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